When people ask how we are- how I am, how the kids are doing… I answer honestly. We are doing well. This is not a lie at all! God has blessed us tremendously the last few months. As we approach month 6 since Karyn went home, I can see the differences God has begun to make in me, the kids and us as a family unit. However, typically in these moments of “how are you doing?” Socially I end up answering answering quickly and without much detail. I would like to share what God is doing, and what we are doing as a response. Really, there are 3 categories of the kids, myself, and us. I invite you to continue- but be warned of some quite transparent statements! My hope is that you find them helpful maybe in your own walk…
The kids: There have been a large number of hugs and love sent out to my kids among our bio family and church family. (Thank you!) My hope was there was a select few people (ladies) that the kids would latch onto along the way and that has happened. For which I am grateful! Is the “mom hole” filled? No. But it is so much smaller than it could be! And Gods grace is sufficient for them in this. He knew we would need these people (and likely more along life's way) to be progressively healing and moving towards Him. The resilience and attitudes of my children have humble me.
I have been told by many that the kids are doing well. I agree. Besides potential food poisoning issues with the cooking, my only concern is what emotions are being buried in the effort to DO well. I value functionality, so they value it also... and will do what it takes to function (to please their dad). Functionality is needed to a point- but every now and then we ‘stop’ and talk about the heart of life, sleep, pain, tears, anger… keeping all these emotions on the table, but not as the focus of life. Do they share everything with me they are feeling? I doubt it. But for them to understand that these feelings are normal, important, must be faced and ultimately dealt with is crucial to life. (Any life.) So I attempt to touch base with them, as do my watchful helpers, to teach these young people the meaning of each emotion and what to do with it.
For example, I had one of my three be quite angry for something so small, that I had to pull them aside and keep them in check. Then I asked the question if they were actually angry at their sister, or the item in question. The kid hung their head and verbalized a “no”. I asked permission if I could guess why they were angry. They nodded.
“Are you angry because mom is gone? That she isn't helping anymore with school or with anything? Are you angry that she isn't around for anything anymore… and you are angry that it’s a forever gone? And maybe its angry mixed with sadness?” I was met with tears. As I held my kid- I told them its ok to be angry about that- but not ok to take it out on your siblings. Instead, to come to me, their father, with this. (Yes I am getting somewhere with this…keep reading.)
This type of instance is not a daily occurrence for us, thankfully. As healthy as it is- it is extremely exhausting…. Especially when I deal with it times 4 hearts! But I am glad I was able to see that moment through, as with other moments, and draw these out, exposing them to the light where I can learn and teach them about this part of life. Exposing this to the light allows healing to be done. It allows something inside to change, to take the hole blasted in our hearts and heal it, fill it with God and His word through the act of worship. I could only really help this child of mine with anger after my own processing of it…
Myself: In most aspects I think I am doing incredible! God has truly blessed me with a closeness to Him, as we walk on the water in faith. In many respects, thats what it is like. The ground is not solid, stable or normal. I have to constantly grip His hand to stay afloat. Some days it only takes some simple alone time and prayer time in the morning and the day is good to go! Other days I retreat to my room and pray every single hour (and more at times).
A few months ago I was not in a good place- though I believe it was a place I had to be in for season. Without realizing it, I cut off communication to all but a few, I could not eat or sleep. I lost weight and could not think with hardly any clearly. At times the anxiety built up in my chest so much I had some concerns about the amount of physical pain that manifested itself.
I met some new people at church who were increasingly patient with me during this time and could relate to me on the ‘recovering from loss’ aspect of my life. I greatly appreciate their patience and input during this season. God held me fast during this time and kept me from doing dumb things. Actually, this is where I learned to hold fast, to run TO Him. (The word Abide comes to mind). I learned that the Lord does draw near to the broken-hearted. Truly.
These 8 weeks were NOT my shining moments in life- in my mind I was ‘fine’. IN some ways i really was, being in the hands of the Father is the best possible place one can be. However, reflecting back- I was quite broken at the same time, as if in an emotional hospital bed, and not able to hardly live, mentally process or eat/sleep normally. I was doing my best to function, and God caused me to dive deep into worshiping Him- which is exactly where I needed to be.
As to my physical state- my cousin explained it this way: I was a caretaker for Karyn for 5+ years, ignoring much of my own needs during a long and intense stretch of time. Tending to my family and our home with the constant, daily, hourly need for me to be alert spiritually for the enemy, alert for physical needs, alert for emotional needs, working a ton for our financial needs and carrying a load only God (supernaturally) enabled me to carry- and my body was just done. It was years of intense emotional and spiritual combat on my part. My body needed to catch up. My emotions needed to catch up.
It would be explained in the computer world as a systems crash, and God used those freshly introduced people to help me while He hit an 8 week re-set button. Towards the end of this re-set I felt anger for the first time in years. Yes I mean that literally. I did not allow myself to feel anger for half a decade. I did not vent that anger for that time. I thank God for Him providing a safe place to do that with a group of Godly men on a mens retreat that was given as a gift to me. (There is righteous anger by the way…and a place for it.) I naturally tend to not be angry- it is not a primary emotion in my DNA. However, there was quite a bit packed into my heart in a unique way and locked up. Some of my Godly brothers called it out and saw me through it. If you know me- my calm and meek demeanor rules most of the day, however- as extremely calm I can be, I was just as powerfully intense in my anger as I let it out.
To be clear- I was not angry at God or Karyn. I was angry at the cancer for stealing my wife…murdering her cell by cell for a span of years. Killing her in front of my kids’ eyes. I was angry for it stealing thousands of hours from our lives that cannot be replaced. I was angry of how much energy it consumed from my family. All this and more…
Then there was another emotion that surfaced- one that I was not expecting.
Shame.
I was also ashamed of myself. I was ashamed for not being able to do enough to keep her here- yet I know full well Karyn being with Jesus now was not on me. But still there was shame. I was also ashamed that my marriage was concluded. I was (and am) saddened that I won’t ever be married to the wife of my youth for 50+ years... I was ashamed of being alone (some will, some wont understand this and thats ok).
I was able to lay it at the foot of the cross- where it belongs. It all belongs there.
I accepted that God has other plans. His plans are going to be way better than my own hopes and dreams. Karyns home going was and is a mercy. This life we had built still has worth. At first I thought it was the kids. As in just the kids and only the kids… not true. I never really remember myself in any equation. I am still here- I learned. I am worth my own consideration…God has invested greatly in me also.
In the weeks following this intensely high pressure 8 weeks, I have been on an upswing. Thank God He led me though this season! I am now sleeping again. And eating. And trying to take care of myself- which I am really bad at. “You stink at taking care of yourself” direct quote from Karyn. She was right. I am NOT good at it to the point where I don't know how to or what I even need. So, I figure eating and sleeping is a good place to start! A logical basic human need… (Yes it’s bad enough people had to tell me to do even the most normal things. For example: “Isaac, you need to eat food…like every day”. Thanks Pastor….) I’ve also begun asking/receiving some help in needed areas- which is another step I have taken.
And there has been progress for me!
Am I ‘healed’? Nope. I never will be fully healed until I get to haven. (That goes for us all who believe in Jesus!) Am I well? Yes. It is well with my soul. It is getting better physically also. I have some humor again! And energy. And my classic abstract/strategic (and sarcastic) thoughts are coming back (slower due to the learning curve of living life in a different way. But its there!). This feels good. I have been intentionally doing some ‘heart work’ lately as well. Sitting, reading, praying, thinking. God has been faithful in this rest time for me. It gives Jesus and I a chance to talk, and walk. I get to see what His plan is in some respects.
Most of these healthy steps I am doing someone has told me to do in one way or another… Which led me to what God has shown me what to focus on next…This leads us to the last category~
Us: The kids and I as a family unit… a family unit with a massive hole blasted in the middle.
This is my next hurdle to lead through. (This, and meal planning/prep!) God has provided a very rare opportunity for me to take this summer off of work. I am currently mowing a few yards to keep some cash flow and for me to get out and work (and get tan:). Otherwise, its family time and a little bit of ministry time. Our plans this summer are to just be together the best we can and see what happens. To re- boot ‘us’. No school. No daily J O B. Just time together and some normal summer events. I don’t know how to go and ‘do’ things at all (this was 10000% Karyns department). I have asked for some help here from some folks as well. I have a project list for the home this summer- for sure. But its the fun stuff thats going to be my struggle to lead us in.
This is my personal next challenge. Being a stay at home dad- at least for 2 months. No career to identify with. Doing fun things (‘un-productive’ in my production-driven mind). Food and laundry and house keeping. Zero of my strengths. Zero.
However- where I am weak, Christ is strong. It is my hope that by summers end- due to my weaknesses, this area of my life will possibly be the strongest- only because I have let God lead it. I want what He wants as we walk on the water by faith. I prefer land- yes. Land is familiar, and solid and mostly predictable. On land, I can plan. On land, I can have vision. On land, I can excel and produce. I can. I can… I can. See the point yet?
God is walking me through a place I can’t plan. I can’t produce. I cannot predict. I can’t even cook a meal!
I can only hold fast to Him. He is all I have to count on in this season. He is my identity. He is my provider. He is my refuge.
Right now I am weak, I am broken (though back on my feet again thankfully), I am without a wife- a help mate. Honestly, I hope its not too awfully apparent in public- to some extent at least it does I’m sure. But I pray what shows is Jesus- brighter in that place than any wife ever could. Because my journey is all about Him.
So, this is the season for us. Seasons change, yes. I do believe that we will walk on land again. The predicable, the fruitful the place of familiar places, people and things. Until this season changes does, this is how the Moody Crew will roll… walking in each day, with Jesus, for Jesus on the windy, wavy, splashy cold water. And maybe at some point, we can learn have some fun out here amongst the waves…
Thats all I have. This and more of a testimony than I could every hope for!
I hope this answers the questions you wanted to know!
As always, a man living for His Kingdom- Isaac