It has been roughly 5 months since this blog began. What a journey It has been! I realize I have been quiet recently. The reason is twofold. First, work has picked up to the point I am now full time- what a blessing this has been, both to our finances and my sanity as I like to work. Additionally, I like what I am doing a lot at the shop. God is blessing the area of my position as well. We make strides of improvements and my team enjoys their work as well. What a blessing.
The second reason I have been silent is more personal. I am sure you are aware of Karyns pain in the last month or so. It was not only in her hip but in her back and nerves all over. There was no way to move without shooting pain everywhere. She walked, or rather shuffled around the house with the aid of a walker. She couldn’t laugh or it would send her into spasms. By Gods grace she found one spot she could at least sit with minimal pain on the couch with the aid of a foam pad. She slept there as well. This was at its peak moment by moment for about 2-3 weeks.
These were the darkest days of our journey to date for us. May 27th we hit the 4 year mark of diagnosis. And in these dark weeks, there were two separate occasions that I went to bed thinking Karyn wouldn’t be with us in the morning. Someone who knows more about these things would have probably known my thoughts were completely inaccurate. However, the discouragement, pain, quality of life and pale face and outlook on our situation prepared me for a tough next day. Obviously, God still has plans in the works for her.
Today, her pain is manageable with a carefully pursued daily life. We also know more than we did those weeks. After 3 scans, we realized that her vertebra T4 has collapsed 40-50%. The Dr. said in these cases the pain is intense for 2-3 week (he isn’t kidding) then the body somehow deals with it and no longer actively feels that pain. Cancer is in the T4 and degraded its integrity to this point. Cancer works like rust on the bones. It just eats always until the body weight is too much for the bone to hold and breaks or collapses. This is what happened to T4. We are pursuing an outpatient procedure to reinforce the T4. The Dr. believes this could be a good option to improve longevity for that area. It is odd to say, but Karyn is actually a ½ inch shorter. This procedure should put her back to just right. (We considered asking if they could fulfil her lifelong dream and make her taller but thought we should just stick to the norm…)
She has been “low” pain for a few weeks now. Life is becoming as normal as possible once again. No walker is being used. Karyn can be mom, do housework again and now we can laugh freely. By no means are we freed from this condition. But God, in His creation of the human body, has delivered us from moment by moment pain. For this I am grateful.
The second reason I have been silent is primarily because all this was traumatizing. It took me 2 weeks after the pain had subsided to realize this. Those weeks of pain, discouragement and such I shut parts of myself down in order to function. Playing music was difficult. Reading the word was difficult. Literally the only thing I wanted to do was eat sweets and sleep. Thank God He gave me the ability to pick my head up and move forward in the same motions despite how I felt on the inside. I read the Word despite not caring. I forced myself to sing with the worship songs on the radio- at least for a verse. And in those days I considered to be my wife’s last, I did nothing different. This proved to me something I thought I might share with you.
If you are living a life that you would change if you or your spouse were dying. If there are things you would stop or do differently, maybe just maybe you are not living according to what God has for you. What daily things do we pursue that are wrong? Maybe not wrong for all, but what if the are not good for you or me? What would you change, Christian- child of I AM? Maybe nothing. Maybe something.
In the midst of these pain days I was able to slip out for a walk for some ‘woods therapy’. I had blocked about two hours out for this. I needed some air.
I actually didn’t walk too far. I sat on our foot bridge at the base of our cliff in the sunlight watching the water flow under me praying about my wife. Asking God to heal my wife. Asking for a miracle to heal my wife and rid my family from this condition. God responded to me after letting me vent it out. He responded and spoke about His daughter. How much He loves His daughter. How much He knows about His daughter. He is aware of the pain His daughter is feeling. Mostly, He knows how His daughters heart is doing.
In His response, I was greatly humbled. Again. Though I was not wrong to speak of Karyn as my wife- for our marriage is a gift from God- I was wrong to miss the fact that she is His daughter. And that she is His first and foremost. It reminded me of Gods caring nature, revealed in the gospels by Jesus’ compassion. It also reminded me of Gods sovereignty. This pain, this journey, COVID, the job loss, Mexico trip, the stress, the kids, the fox getting our hens, our mower blowing its engine…. All a part of His glorious plan.
“After calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he (Jesus) said to them, ’If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross, and follow me.’” -Mark 8:34
I could pursue my own life my own dreams. I did not sign up for cancer. I could ignore it. I could run from it. I could hate it. But no- if I am to follow Jesus, as I claim I do, then I must daily grab the splintery, heavy, instrument of death, haul it up in my arms and walk after my savior as he walked for us all. I am to represent Jesus to my wife, my situation, my little world with the few people God has granted to me- despite cancer. May the Holy Spirit grant me all ability and joy, Jesus grant me the living example and friendship, and Father grant me grace and mercy in abundance each and every day. I am nothing without these. If we walk, do, think, act and live as Jesus did- will we not look like him by the end of this?
Men- I challenge all of you to do the same.