The I AM in ME

Here we are two weeks into this chapter of our journey! I am finally glad to see this day come! Quick update on Karyn is this: we do not have much to report. All is going as well as can be expected. Her treatments are not causing pain by any means. Her hip still hurts though. However, she looks good and everyone here just can’t believe that she is fighting cancer. I cannot either to be honest… It’s as if her body is responding so well to her lifestyle that all other systems are thriving like a champ- except it’s still allowing the cancer to live for some reason. (The immune system kills the bad cells in us all the time. When these bad cells get out of control somehow and don’t die. They get smart and defend themselves and now cancer is growing in the body. The very basic holistic strategy is to get the immune system to kill the cells.) All I know is that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made and my God who knit her together knows where the problem is. We are letting Him make the call.

And me? Oh boy, here is where the action has been! I may have mentioned that God was working on my heart, and I was not sure what is going on? Well, as one might imagine, I have had anxiety / having issues with many aspects of this journey. Let us count most of them, just so I can show you something so amazing.

1) Karyns health 2) the funding to come here and for when we get home 3) my job 4) country boy being in Tijuana 5) being in Tijuana stuck at a 3 week long Dr. appointment! 6) the kids/parenting 7) coming home and continuing this cancer fighting lifestyle 8) what to do with these freshly ignited desires to teach, even preach, write about the Word and expose Gods truth to anyone who will (or will not) listen 9) the house and its project needs 10) one particular issue at work. That’s a good start of my list.

In your mind know that each one of these things caused me anxiety separately. Then add them together and things quickly became nasty inside me. It created a stone in my chest that would just appear and cause a sort of restricted breathing. This restricted breathing forced my mind intensely focus in order to keep breathing under control- so I don’t lose physical control. I believe some people carry this in their chest like I do, but other perhaps their head or posture, or gut. Wherever it manifests on you, I am sure you know what I mean. If not, consider yourself blessed.

I sought to give it to God- you may recall that I gave up a few weeks ago? I gave it up to Him over and over. His plan, His provision and purpose and glory. All on Him- I am done. “Remember that part of this journey?” I would recall “It’s not on you!” I would tell myself. Those monsters would back down and I could breath.

But they would never really go away. Two hours later I would have to fight it again. I would recall Who my God is and He would calm me down. Back and forth this would happen. Monster 1 would rage and roar, I’d cower then not breath. Then I would recall the promises of my God. The monster would retreat. Then later, monster 3 would laugh at me and monster 2 would join in with a fang filled smile. I’d cower, and not breath. I would cry out to God and they would subside. I began to recognize the power of God in this. I began to find joy that every time I was attacked- I would call upon the name of the LORD and would be saved. This is one thing to read, to hear preached and taught but another to fight this war within my soul. I was still afraid of them- afraid they would come back any second- because they just kept coming back!

I learned this verse. Let’s take a look at this closely. Pay attention, there is something amazing about this! “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” This is our part. And then it says what WILL happen… lets read on, “And the peace of God that, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” This is Philippians 4:6-7.

If you grew up in church, I am certain you have heard this verse. It’s a great coffee mug verse or encouraging card verse. But stop. Breath a second and read it again.

I did that. I started praying the monsters would go away, and that God is on the throne- which He is on the throne and they did shrink. But they did not die. They kept trying to have victory on me, by snipping at me, at my heels, at my heart. They would lunge and attack, withdraw and evade and never go away. Wasn’t God bigger than this? This was no way to live- just waiting for the monsters to come back.

This last Sunday, we decided not to attend church here. Karyn was tired, I was tired, and we needed to just do the therapies (no break from those!) and just be still. I decided to claim that day, last Sunday, to be thankful- as the verse says to do. I was not going to write. I was not going to read anything but the bible. I was not going to ask for much of anything today and just be thankful. (God helped me do this. This is what made it easy.)

Then I commanded myself that day to be thankful exactly when I woke up. I got up and literally said I am thankful. I praised God, thanked Him for many things all things I could think of. We did this and that- our tasks that day but I just kept thanking Him for it all. I took the whole day and stopped ‘my life’, my mind, my thoughts, my heart and thanked Him. All day long- not a single monster showed up for that heart-party. No way. They cannot survive in that environment! But oh boy did God have fun with that Sunday! I know my activity made Him smile. Here’s how. True story:

Later, I went for a coffee, because I wanted some coffee. I debated on going but… yea I went. I ran into another caretaker (that is what they call people like me. Spouses or friends of patients) here from this clinic. We had not had a chance to talk much when they arrived. Within 90 seconds we were talking about God- a wonderful time it was. This was so cool! He reminded me of something that we forget- that I forgot. I am not sure if God showed this man something in my eyes or what, but he told me what I already knew and needed to hear again- and you already know but we do not live this way in our every breath. Just breath and read the basic message this brother reminded me of-

The great I AM from the old testament is inside you and me. The loving father who said “let there be light!” and there WAS light (when before there was not) is living and active inside me. The word of God is inside me. The Holy Spirit is inside me. This is step 1. This I believe is where most people stop. This is a fantastic step! But don’t stop! He wants us to take another step and this step is- stop. Just stop. Stop and breath. Meditate on Him. Meditate on His word. I do not mean for a breath or two. Just stop- don’t quit your job don’t cease to exist in your circle but stop and claim yourself to that which is what you are. I AM a child of God. I AM free. I AM redeemed. I AM being sanctified. I AM healed. I AM whole. I AM provided for. Say these things out loud. Find scripture and say it out loud and recognize this is the NEW CREATION- this new creation is you and the great I AM is in you. Do not forget this! We change and then go back to the comfortable old self. That old self was afraid all the time! I was. I told you my monsters that I feared- we all have them at some point. They come and go yet are always lurking in the corners of our minds. The other thing he confirmed verbally and God had been pulling on me was my own life, creating my life. Not that I can control all things, but there are things that God allows us dominion over! More on this later because the conversation with this man is one that I am still grasping and struggling to convey to place on the page. I certainly hope someone can see what I mean. What a blessing, this conversation with a man from Kansas, in Tijuana Mexico at the same clinic at the same time at the same coffee shop sat down next to each other and started talking. We both knew it was Gods timing. A brother needed another brother so God set it up…

Oh this story keeps going!

After that conversation, I come back free. I walk back down the sidewalk and to my room free! All these monsters are just gone. Not held back, not waiting to strike not planning the next strategy- they actually don’t exist anymore!

I read Psalm 37 because since the I AM is in me and of me and I of Him, we are blended together- and He wants to give me the desires of my heart! God wants to give you the desires of your heart! Just choose to let Him! I am a creature of creativity. (So are you! God gave us dominion over this place in Genesis.) We create so much in our lives. We have choices in our days- more than we realize- that is how we create our lives. I am a guitar player because I chose to indulge my (God given) desire to play. God brought forth a teacher (my dad) and the ability to learn. Together God and I have made thousands of hours of music so far in my life. I had a choice to, or not to try guitar. You also have a choice. It was a God given desire that He made a reality! It took both, Him and me to accomplish this reality- and it is beautiful creation weather I am playing alone, or in front of you all.

Houses are built the same way. A relationship is the same way. This blog is the same way. A business. An image/idea, for a need fulfilled or dream combined with Divine provision creates anything that has true LIFE. This takes our input and creativity combined with Gods enabling and blessing and we are one to create! Check out Proverbs 16:9. Any idea that could fit into Philippians 4:8 and will emit aspects of Galatians 5:22-23 in some form or another is Godly. Read those and check it out. Scripture is the filter, fuel and framework for creativity. I dare you to read it and see. Create your life! Back to the story:

In reading psalm 37 I see that it speaks about the evildoer. It speaks about how this evildoer will be cut off from the land, and that land will be given to the righteous. So, I am sitting there in Mexico reading this. I asked myself if there is anything of my monsters that are still alive? I just had to explore this, just to be sure. The monsters are all gone! Except one. Seriously, this is amazing the others were gone. But why and how was there one left? It was the one where with the work issue that frequently questions my character, my work, my intelligence and experience under needless intense scrutiny. Godly things given to me to do the work I do gets poked and prodded needlessly. I know all too well that I can make mistakes and a co-worker finding it should let me know (so I can become better) and help me along with it- as I would do for him or anyone on my team. Heck, I’d to this for anyone not on my team- even a business competitor if the opportunity was there. The situation really oppresses me, I cannot handle this well. It is painful and crippling. This monster of fear concerning situation X was not gone. All the others were internal, this one was external and different than the rest.

So I grabbed my bible again, and read out loud. Psalm 37:9 “For the evil doers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land.” Then I prayed, “Lord You wrote this. Your plan is before me. Your word says this. So I ask you to help me cut this off, whether it’s the attitude behind these attacks or the situation itself be disconnected- Lord show me what steps to take with this.”

Then, calmness came. No anxiety. The monster was held back but not gone. I had a feeling I was going to have to face this situation when I got back home with a confrontation. Another soft spot in my constitution- but God would give me the equipping in time and I was not worried. Then I had the peace that everything was ok. Just be grateful today! Just be and breath in the breath of life!

I finished my Sunday with thanksgiving. What a day! Story continues-

At 2:30 am Monday morning I woke up anxious about the inevitable encounter with situation X. I prayed, began to give thanks and it went away. I prayed it would just be done and the wicked would be cut off! Repeating the prayer again. About 4am I eventually fell back to sleep.

The next morning at 6:30 my phone dinged with a text awaking me from my rough night of sleep. This text was from my dad, so I sat up groggily looked over at it.

He had received an email right then and had to pass it along to me quickly- situation X had been resolved. Completely. And 'randomly'. All in the clear!

The wicked was cut off from me! I prayed that for my life, I used scripture to the I AM and identified that wickedness in my life and it was causing pain to my God given peace. He gave me the land of peace. This situation threatened my land of peace and was cut off from it. I recognized wickedness in my life that was beyond my control. Using Gods word I asked for Him to fulfill it. Then ‘whack’! Operation “cut-it off” was complete! Mission success! That’s my God- and oh yea, He lives in me! And He wants to give me the desires of my heart, the desires in His word, which includes the land of peace.

This lesson I have learned only truly works when you live each day according to His will. His will is between you and Him and will align with scripture every time it is righteous. Let the Holy spirit guide this will for you today. When you wake up- the VERY first thing use self-control (this is known as MASTERING YOURSELF in the Hebrew) to get a hold of your mind and heart, then offer ‘you’ to God (as a living sacrifice). Then just begin that morning and continue the whole by giving Him thanks! Life that day will explode for you! Fear does not belong in you. Leave it lay- don’t put it in the pocket of your mind. Anxiety does not belong to you. Leave it lay too, you won’t need it. Gods children do not have to live with that. Anger from disappointed expectations can just be forgiven. Remember you are new? Just forgive it. Leave pride alone, don’t pick it up to carry with you. Just pick up peace. Pick up joy! Your pockets will be full of His pleasure! Pass it around, it’s for all to share in! Patience, kindness, and love will have to find another pocket in your heart but there is room. Goodness, gentleness and self-control will fit in other pockets. Then you will not have any room for the other junk that you do not need anyway.

Remember that you are chosen, special, creative, adored, loved, unique, special, cared for, slayer of giants, lover, writer, builder, reader, healed, strong, defended, redeemed, blessed and so very much more!

Live like Jesus.

God be in you all. I am so looking forward to what God has for me and you today!